Gone
by crayolakid0413
Summary: My take on Lauren...Will a scared Emily be a match for Ian Doyle? Will the team stand by her or walk away? Will this experience change Emily and JJ's relationship? Read to find out! Better summary to follow. Rated M just to be safe, but its no worse than any of the actual episodes. Disclaimer: I do not own or have the rights to criminal minds.
1. Chapter 1

**Dedicated to _Carly Carter_. Thank you for being such an amazing friend. I wish you the best birthday ever. I truly hope you enjoy this piece as much as I have enjoyed writing it for you.**

**Authors Note: This story has spoilers to Lauren, although the storyline is similar I did not use all of the same information. This is my story and is reflected as such.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own the characters of criminal minds, however this story based on the characters is my original work.**

**Chapter 1**

_Here one minute_

_Gone another_

_It was only a matter of time_

_A permanent mistake_

_With endless consequence_

_A life that should not have been_

_Isn't missed or mourned_

_Never loved, Never wanted_

_A Nuisance, Inconvenience_

_Deliverer of pain_

_Infectious Misery_

_Removed from this world_

_As an act of sacrifice_

_Making way for greater joy_

_No one wanted her_

_Who she couldn't be_

_So no one be sad_

_When her life was taken_

_Returned by a gift_

_But wanted no more_

_Determined to set free_

_Those she loved_

_Knowing she could never_

_Find the forgiveness_

_She so desired_

_Gone this time_

_Free from the hurt _

_The scars unnoticed_

_On a broken soul_

_Everything is better now_

_With her final breathe_

_Cry if you must_

_Know she loved you best_

_Never wanted_

_Never loved_

_Never mourned_

_Here one minute_

_Gone another_

_It was only a matter of time_

**8 months earlier…..**

It had been a few weeks since Ian Doyle had began killing her old team.

_Ian..._

…...his name still sent shivers down her spine. Upon hearing it she was brought back to a past. aA past she had fought hard to forget. But forgetting proved impossible when one by one her colleagues,her team, were dying. Especially when she knew she was next. A solitary tear found its way down her cheek as she remembered the call that began this nightmare.

Emily hadn't spoken to Sean McCallister, a former colleague at Interpol, in years. She was on a case when she saw his name appear on her caller ID. She felt a familiar pit rise in her stomach. She had distanced herself from the team. She couldn't talk to any of them, they all reminded her of him. Of the things she did. They all reminded her that she was so terribly alone in this world. Not one of them noticed she vanished, no one outside of her team knew she was undercover. She didn't have any girl friends to check up on her, she didn't have any family, she was the perfect agent. No connections and nothing to lose.

Emily was solid, fearless, and beautiful. All the tools needed to con, manipulate and extract. She was everything they needed her to be, everything except for who she really was.

When they had returned from the case she was itching to get off the plane. She ran through the cold rain to her car. She was going to meet Sean. It was going to be okay. She had to assure herself, he was just an old friend in town wanting a drink. Who was she kidding? She shook her head slightly. She hadn't reached out to any of them. But they hadn't reached out to her, either. This wasn't likely a social call, something was wrong, and it had to do with Ian Doyle.

Emily took a deep breath as she opened the door to the bar. He's in North Korea, he's locked up in one of the most secure prison's in the world. No one could escape from that. No one, not even him. This was a social call, purely social. Emily coached herself as she spotted her friend sitting on a chair at the bar. She felt the heat invade her porcelain skin, her heart beat harder against her chest, the familiar knot in her stomach rising to the surface forcing her to swallow to push back the nausea. And to keep steady. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. That's how Emily functioned.

She tried the usual pleasantries. _ 'How are you? How have you been?_' But she couldn't wait. She had to know.

And then he said it, repeating it as her glazed eyes remained frozen.

Doyle was out,

...she was in danger,

…..her team was in danger.

She felt unsteady on her feet. _Why now?_ She should have sacrificed herself to him a long time ago, she should have given the last of the information over and died. Emily Prentiss should have died in that car accident, not '_Lauren Reynolds'._ It would have been easier then. It would have been easier if she didn't know what it meant to be loved. It would have been easier if she hadn't found a family, if for the first time in her life she didn't feel accepted for who she was. But it was too late. Emily would have to pay for her betrayal.

Emily walked out of the bar and headed home. She felt the bolts holding up her walls slipping down, she felt the water pooling in the back of her eyes, the fear building up. Thoughts began to race through her head.

_Making love to Ian._

_The look in his eyes when he gave her the ring._

_The way she felt empowered by his touch._

_The hurt when she was taken away …...a small purple and white flower falling from her hand._

She was snapped out of her head when she saw the long box lying against her door. He wasn't only out of North Korea, he was here. '_Let the games begin', _ she thought as she lifted the top off the package revealing the beautiful purple and white flower she had picked that day, the last memory of him leaning against the rail, the feeling of ultimate betrayal boring into her skull. She knew all to well …...this was

_her_

_fault_.

Emily walked around her apartment, gun raised, hiding wasn't his style, he was going to hurt her in every way he could before she finally would be able to rest. But she had to check, she had to know if he was there. After clearing each room and rigging the door to alert her for entry she paid much needed attention to Sergio. The cat had a way of calming her down. She felt her stomach rumble. She couldn't eat, she needed to suffer, it was her fault he was out, she knew people had already died. She knew each and every life taken during Doyle's revenge was her fault. She might as well have killed them herself. People were dying because she fell in love with a powerful international arms dealer, they were dying because she let her emotions dictate her actions instead of her training. People were dying because she let him see her unguarded, because she betrayed him, because she ruined a little boy's life, because she shouldn't have been born - others must suffer.

Emily poured a large glass of scotch, feeling the burn down her throat as she sat fighting sleep, knowing that what would come was all because of her.

**What do you think? This is a really short chapter just to give you all a feel for the story. It's going to be several chapters long and the chapters will get a lot better I promise. Please review! I can't get better if I don't hear what you all think, good or bad. Quicker reviews equal quicker updates Enjoy **


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

**Hey everyone thank you for adding this to story alert that means a lot. I only got 2 reviews though Please let me know how I'm doing. Hearing what you guys like and dislike will really help me grow. It will also motivate me to update quicker. Just a thought! The chapters get longer as the story continues. It was over 45 pages in word last time I checked. **

**Also wanted to give a special shout out to SSAJemily and hope2smith for taking the time to leave me such great reviews! You guys are awesome!**

Her time at the BAU had been the best years of her life. Each and every member meant something more to her than just a colleague. They operated as a family.

Rossi was the Grandpa, Hotch the dad, JJ the mom, Garcia the crazy cousin, Morgan the tough older brother (even though he was younger) and Reid the little boy genius brother. Emily had grown up a pawn in her parents lives. The ambassador only needed Emily to advance her political agenda. She had never felt her mother's arms around her when she was scared, she had never felt her mother's touch when she was hurt, she never knew her mother's laughter, the smell of fresh baked cookies, she never knew what the word family meant until she joined this team.

She held back from them. This was her chance to be a different person. This was her chance to be the friend people would want to have, to be the sister who gave advice, to be the cousin who shared secrets, to be a teammate in chess games, the partner at the gym, to be all the roles she had always dreamed of playing. Lauren Reynolds was dead. She was Emily Prentiss, Special Agent Emily Prentiss. Ian Doyle, Valhalla, that was all over. Or so she wanted to believe.

Her nemesis had returned, he had changed his pattern. He was no longer an arms dealer focused on the deal, he was now a disgruntled lover, a mourning father, a hard chiseled criminal determined to take his revenge. She was the target, she was the one who locked him up, she is the one who caused their innocent baby die before it could live, she was the reason he was in hell. And now? Well, now it was time for her to join him.

"Morning Em." JJ greeted her cheerfully, dropping the hot coffee onto her desk.

Emily didn't move. She was lost in her own head.

_Doyle was standing in front of Emily with bloodied hands. Several lifeless bodies lay at his feet. Emily saw JJ's long blonde hair matted with blood, her arm was bent at an angle no limb could naturally reach. She had hundreds of holes on her once flawless body, dark bruises on her angelic face. Her free arm was clenching a picture of her little boy. The sweet innocent child who would grow up without his fearless mom. Then she saw Morgan curled up in the fetal position limbs tied behind him. Several burns were all over his arms and legs. A single name branded across his forehead... Emily._

"Em." JJ called again, gently shaking her friends shoulder. At first JJ thought Emily was just spaced out but when she saw the fear wash over her eyes and sweat drip down her face she knew there was something more.

"EMILY." JJ yelled.

"Huh, what, Oh... I... Jayj.." Emily fumbled over her words. "Did you need something?"

JJ pointed to the still steaming coffee in front of her friend.

"Em, What's wrong? And don't you dare tell me nothing. I saw your eyes. Something scared you. I've never seen that look before Emily." JJ's voice displayed the worry for her usually stoic friend.

"I'm fine, JJ" Emily a little abruptly.

JJ glared at her. "We both know that you are lying. C'mon Em. You work with some of the best profilers in the world. I know I'm not one of you, but I am your friend, and I know something is wrong!" JJ insisted.

"I didn't sleep well" Emily confessed. It wasn't a lie.

JJ wasn't buying it, but the rest of the team was starting to arrive, and she knew Emily was not one to share private thoughts in front of the team.

"Okay." JJ responded, far from satisfied, but your coming out for drinks with me and Garcia tonight. It's girls night. Its not negotiable!" JJ said giving her best media liaison _'don't mess with me'_ look.

Emily knew she wasn't getting out of this one. It would be safer for everyone if she just went out. She couldn't hide, they would dig until they found the answer, until Doyle found them, until they were dead.

"Sounds great! I'm looking forward it to." Emily replied with the brightest fake smile she could manage.

As JJ walked away Emily's phone started to ring.

"Prentiss" She answered.

"Emily." A familiar voice answered, "Jeremy's dead. I came home and he was dead."

"Tsia listen to me, get the hell out of there. Sean called a few days ago. He's out, Tsia. He's out, and he won't stop until he gets all of us." Emily said quietly to her friend.

"I'll leave now. Emily you have to remember Lauren Reynolds is dead." Tsia said.

"I know, T." Emily replied.

"NO Emily, I want to hear you say it." Tsia encouraged.

"LAUREN REYNOLD's IS DEAD." Emily stated blankly.

Just as the name was being released from Emily's lips, Reid had walked into the bullpen.

"Who is Lauren Reynold's?" he asked.

"An old friend." Emily replied.

That was way too close, Emily decided hanging up with Tsia. Doyle was coming after her. She had to find a way to distance herself from the team without them suspecting. But first she needed to know if Doyle had come any closer.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

**Hey everyone here is another chapter for you. I will keep posting as my lovely beta continues to edit them. Please review! Again I don't own the rights to criminal minds.**

The day was unusually slow at the BAU. Reid was working on his bottle rockets. His goal was to reach Hotch's door. They all acted like a family. Reid liked the attention he got from his fellow agents, and his boss. Growing up taking care of his mother, similar to Emily he had not felt the warmth and love of a family before.

"So Princess, I hear the beautiful ladies of the BAU are going out tonight. Are you going to show off those wonderful "ASSets" you have?" Morgan teased.

"What assets?" Reid questioned.

Emily and Morgan both laughed at the boy genius's innocence. He may be 25 but he was more like 12 in the dating world.

"Well if you must know," Emily said seductively, "I was going to break out my hooker boots, maybe wear a tight red tank, with a short black skirt covering just enough…." Emily said breathing the last words out slowly.

Morgan shudered.

"Oh go over yourself Morgan. You're sick, you know that! I will never understand why woman thrown themselves at you." Emily replied teasing her partner.

"Ouch Princess, that stung" Morgan joked back.

"Emily if you wear something like that, you are 72% more likely to be hit on, drugged, or even abducted than if you were something more conservative." Reid added.

"Thanks boy genius," Emily said laughing, "I'll keep that in mind when I'm getting dressed tonight."

"Good!" Reid replied. Unsure why Emily would think she needed to wear slutty clothes to get attention. She was very beautiful. She had the perfect proportions to be aesthetically pleasing. Even with her age being much higher than his own, she was an irrefutable beauty.

4 hours later, Emily, JJ and Garcia walk into the bar.

Emily and JJ both chose tight jeans, with a red and blue t-shirt, respectively. They knew these colors brought out there best features. Garcia didn't disappoint. She came sporting a floral skirt with hot pink leggings, a turquoise vest, tons of costume jewellery and her red hair in braided pigtails.

Emily couldn't help but relax when she was with her friends. They sat at a table, each nursing their drinks, remembering there favourite times at the BAU.

_Flashback-JJ _

_Morgan: "Why the woods, JJ?"_

_JJ: "Hmm?"_

_Morgan: "Your fear, you said it was of the woods."_

_JJ: "Uh, I used to be a camp counsellor when I was a teenager in the woods up in Vermont. I had the night shift. Everything seemed fine. All the kids were asleep. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary, until I noticed some blood on the hallway floor. I followed the blood trail out to the camp director's cabin. I walked up to this bed. He was lying under the sheets, dead, someone stabbed him. I ran out of there so fast, out the door down the hall. I just remember it being really dark. When I got to the door there was another counsellor there, I guess she heard me scream. They caught the caretaker on his way out of town. I guess he still had the knife on him. You know that's probably when I decided I didn't like the woods."_

_Morgan: "You're serious?"_

_JJ: "No, I don't know why I'm afraid of the woods?_

Emily and Garcia had both hung on JJ's every word. They were just as convinced as Morgan and Reid had been. All three girls cracked up when JJ got to the end revealing it was only a story.

"Morgan must have been pissed!" Emily said.

"My chocolate god and boy genius were scared, aww JJ it isn't nice to tease the little boys." Garcia added.

They stayed at the bar for hours. JJ beat them in darts more times than they could count. Emily had been given 3 numbers, JJ deferring guys with her bling only got 2 and Garcia out played them all with 5 numbers. It seems guys are really into individuality.

It was 2 am when Emily poured out of the cab and stumbled up in the stairs to her apartment. She was almost too drunk to see the envelope taped to the door, almost to drunk to see the familiar handwriting, her name written across. Her name, not Lauren Reynolds, but Emily Prentiss, he knew who she was, there was no place else to hide.

Emily felt all of her senses go into overdrive as she peeled the note of the door. There is nothing like unbelievable fear, to jolt someone out of a drunken stumper. Emily placed the key in the door. Her hand shaking slightly, not from the rounds of drinks with friends, but from the fear of knowing she was going to die, it was finally over her time was up. Emily felt pain sour through her body as she saw the images of her friends dead at Doyle's feet. She torn open the envelope.

_Emily,_

_I hope you had fun tonight, love. _

_Those girl friends of yours really know how to have a good time. _

_I wonder if they would be as good in bed as you were. _

_That was the one thing I missed when you left me to rot in that North Korean hell, your lies made me lose our baby. You were the best I ever had, and I intend to give your friends a try before I kill them and their families, slowly._

_Miss you darling._

_Ian_

Emily shuddered at the thought of Ian laying one finger on her friends. They were her family and she would never let him near them. She let the note drop from her fingertips. Inside the envelope was a photo taken of the three girls from earlier that night. They were huddled together in a line swaying back and forth to the music.

Emily pulled out her phone dialling a familiar number.

**Any ideas who she's calling? Hope your all enjoying. Next chapter will hopefully be up by Friday!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

"Guys! We have a case, conference room in 5." JJ calls walking through the BAU. "Has anyone seen Em?"

"She hasn't come in yet." Reid replied. You don't look too great, JJ. Next time you should limit your consumption of alcohol. Alcohol in large quantaties has a severe effect on liver function, not to mention the impaired cognitive function, there are long term ramifications... "

Morgan cut him off before he could get any farther, earning an appreciative smile from JJ.

A few minutes later the team, minus Emily, get comfortable in their seats around the conference table. Garcia is sitting in on the discussion.

"Okay." JJ announced. "Last night a plain blue van was seen pulling away from a house in a residential community. Moments later the house burst into flames. Metro police identified the owners of the residence to be the Cosenza family. The mother, father and their son were all found with gun shot wounds."

"If this was a murder suicide, there would be no one to torch the house." Rossi mused. "That is a clear indicator of foul play."

"Jayj, we don't typically get called in after a single event. It was most likely a disgruntled acquaintance." Morgan added. "I don't see why this is a BAU case."

"You're right. There is another case which may be connected. The Fagan's, a husband and wife were found dead in there bedroom from an apparent gas leak." JJ added.

"Did the Fagan house also explode?" Reid asked.

"Yes, in addition to both homes being burned down by some unknown source, 2 of our victims were also European citizens. Ron Cosenza was from Italy, while Kerry Fagan was from Germany."

"Do we think there may be a terrorist connection here?" Hotch questioned.

Before anyone could answer, Emily ran into the room, finding an open seat next to Garcia. Emily's usual flawless appearance looked dishevelled. She had a coffee stain on her blouse, her hair was in a messy bun and dark circles were forming under her eyes.

Emily felt the curious eyes scrutinise her.

"Sorry I'm late Hotch." Emily quickly provided, rattling off excuses including a car accident, angry dog, and broken shoe.

"Don't let it happen again." Hotch reprimanded. Wwilling to let it slide this once but not believing her.

Emily looked at the screen. She recognised the names instantly, and a stab of panic made her feel sick. Doyle was getting too close. She needed to distance herself from the team soon.

The team finished brainstorming there profile and cleared the room.

Just as Emily stood up ready to execute her escape, Garcia grabbed her arm.

"My raven haired super woman you look like hell. Here take these." Garcia offered, handing Emily some Tylenol. "And for goodness sake, go splash some water on your face beauty."

"Thanks Garcia, love you too." Emily replied, giggling lightheartedly, trying so hard to hold it together. To act normal.

The short interaction was enough to draw Emily in. To make her forget her plan. She would stay under the watchful eye of her family, for now.

The morning flew by as the team started the profile for these killings. Garcia was on her babies trying to find more connections between the vics while the team set off the interview the neighbors.

Morgan and Emily had just finished up in the Fagan's neighborhood.

"Hey Morgan, do you think we could swing by my place really quick? It's on the way back and I'm starting to get some nasty blisters from these shoes." Emily asked with her best pouty lips on display. How could he refuse that look?

"Princess, don't give me that face. You know you have me wrapped around your little finger. Just be quick, okay." Morgan replied.

Fifteen minutes later they pulled up to Emily's building. She went inside, and out the back door. She didn't have long before Morgan would get suspicious. She ran the 2 blocks down the street and slipped into a seat at a café.

Clyde walked by dropping a newspaper on the table. As he walked away the phone began to ring. She opened the phone.

"Tsia's gone, Emily. We are the last of the original team. We both know it's you he really wants. I'll hold him off as long as I can. But Emily... Doyle's profile has changed. He's going after families now, you _need_ to tell your team. They have been added to his hit list." Clyde said.

Emily didn't speak. She swallowed hard, standing abruptly she walked away from the table dropping the phone into the garbage. For a moment she froze. Fear engulfing her as she thought of her team being picked off one by one. Then, something snapped in her.

Shit! Morgan!

Emily ran back threw the alley and back out the front door to the SUV, sweat pouring down and a slight hitch to her breath.

"I will never understand how it takes you women 15 minutes to pick out a pair of shoes. I have 5 of the same kind. They all feel the same, they all look the same. I just don't get it." Morgan said.

"Sorry!" Emily replied. "I had to patch up my wounds. Beauty isn't free."

"Hotch called, there was another attack, Byron Delaney, a British citizen. Hotch wants us to go straight to his place." Morgan replied.

Emily nodded then turned to stare blankly out the window, an internal battle playing out in her head as she silently scolded herself.

_'You have to come clean, Emily. You don't deserve to be a part of this family. You just have to accept it.'_

_'When they find out what you did, Emily, that you slept with a criminal for a profile...they are all going to turn and walk out on you.'_

_'Some things are beyond forgiveness. You don't deserve forgiveness anyway, Emily.'_

_'They don't even know who you are Emily, not really.'_

This is what Emily Prentiss tells herself over and over. '_They only think they know you, Emily'._

It's true, they only see the Emily that she has let them know.

They see the walls, of course. They are profilers, how could they not see the massive fort Emily has erected around her life? They know she has a past. Baggage. Who the hell doesn't? They extend each other the professional courtesy of keeping the profiling on the job.

_'They never even tried to get to know you, they never wanted to.' _

Emily tells herself. She takes it one step further. Trying to shift the blame .

_'If they had tried to get to know you, well you would have told them everything.' _

Emily knows she is kidding herself, trying to justify things to make it easier. She couldn't help the words play in her mind.

And the fact of the matter is- she can't come clean. She doesn't want to. She would rather die with them loving her, deluded as they may be. She would rather die as part of a team, a family. She would rather die than see the shame and disappointment in their eyes.

She would rather die, literally die, than be abandoned from the one place she finally belongs.

She was aware she was being selfish. She needed to be the martyr, she needed to clean up her own mess. It was time to end this and the only way she could do that was to track Doyle down and lay her life in front of him. A trade- her life as a sacrifice for her team, her family. And the added bonus of not having to live long enough to see the look of horror in their faces when they realise the kind of person she really is.

She is snapped out of her self pitying thoughts as she and Morgan pulled up at the Delaney's house. Morgan shuts off the SUV, looking up at the house.

"Hotch said he's expecting us, the lights are out…." Morgan began.

Before he could finish three gunmen stepped out of the door, firing endless rounds at their SUV. Morgan and Emily were stuck behind the SUV trying to shield themselves from the fire. Morgan was able to reach Hotch.

"Hotch, were at Byron Delaney's house. We just got ambushed. There are three shooters with high power semi-automatic guns. Were covered by the SUV but its not going to last long. We need help quick."

Hotch, hearing pieces of Morgan's pleas through the sound of gun fire, was out the door in seconds with Rossi close behind.

Sirens blared from down the street sending the gunmen running around the corner. Emily and Morgan took the opportunity to fire back. Emily shot one gunmen in the left knee. As he fell, Emily heard him cry out to his friends. They turn and shot him point blank in the wrist and the head before taking off.

Emily walked up to the lifeless corpse. She gazed down at his wrist seeing the remainder of a four leaf clover. Emily secretly hoped the shooters had hit it well enough no one else would be able to identify it. She would know that mark anywhere, no matter how distorted it was. Doyle was here, the goon squad was a warning. This was her last chance to save her team.

**Hope you are all enjoying the story…its starting to pick up. Many more chapters to come! It will start to split away from the "Lauren" storyline and take on a life of its own.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Authors Note: **

**I wanted to thank everyone for your interest in this story. I have decided to post the remainder of this story without it being edited. You can either read it through now, or if it's a problem for you then wait for it to be re-posted as it is beta later on. Hope you all enjoy!**

**Chapter 5**

"Agent Hotchner." Hotch answered.

"Agent Hotchner a word in my office". Straus said.

Hotch made his way up to the director's office. A man was sitting at her desk. He introduced himself as Clyde Easter, with a bit of a british accent.

Hotch went through the pleasantries. Straus could see her agent was distracted. This case had his whole team on edge, and it was only going to get worse.

"Agent Hotchner, Clyde is a former colleague of Agent Prentiss. They worked together at Interpol." Straus informed Hotch.

"Her file did not indicate any affiliation with the CIA." Hotch replied.

"Look, Agent Hotchner, Emily was an integral part of putting away one of the worlds leaning arms dealers. Have you heard of Valhalla?" Easter asked.

Hotch nodded, not liking where this was going. How could one of his agents been a part of another organization and not told him. Didn't she think it was important, didn't she trust him.

"When we profiled Doyle we discovered that Emily was his type. She was undercover posing as Lauren Reynolds a fellow arms dealer. They met at a bar in Boston. Emily was in deep. We pulled her when we discovered she was pregnant with his child." Easter continued.

Hotch sat there frozen. Words seeping slowly into his head…Emily….Undercover…Pregnant?

"Does Agent Prentiss also have a child we are unaware of?" Hotch asked clearly annoyed by all the secrets.

"Doyle had one of his contacts place a pipe bomb in Emily's car. It detonated as she was being pulled away from the Villa. Emily was only a few feet from the blast. The explosion caused her to be thrown. She landed on her side. We rushed her to the hospital but she lost the baby." Easter said, not knowing the true story.

"How could you let her get that close? What kind of team puts their own in danger like that? Are you telling me this now because these international deaths are at his hands? Are you telling me you not only almost killed a great agent but you let the man who she clearly fell for out of prison." Hotch replied now yelling.

"That's enough Agent Hotchner," Straus interjected. "Mr. Easter has come here as a favor to us. Ian Doyle escaped from North Korean prison weeks ago. He has left a trail of bodies. There are only 2 remaining members of the original team, Mr. Easter and Agent Prentiss."

"He's coming after her, isn't he?" Hotch questioned.

"Yes, Easter replied, he blames her for everything. The anger and resentment he has toward her has changed his profile. He holds her responsible for the death of their child; she might have well set the bomb off herself. Betrayal is everything to him. Agent Prentiss is going to die. The only shot she has to make it through this is your team."

"Go speak with your team Aaron." Straus instructed.

Hotch nodded and made his way out of the office without a single look back at Clyde Easter.

JJ walked in a serious look across her face.

"Metro police just called, they identified 2 more bodies in an old apartment building off 9th street. The owner was found dead in the apartment. The M.E. estimates time of death about 2 days ago. A second body, a young woman was found just outside the door. She was shot point blank in the head, from what appears to be the peep hole." JJ reported.

Emily gasped loud enough for everyone to hear. She felt water pool behind her eyes as her compartments threatened to fall.

"Did, did they uh identify the victims yet?" Emily choked out.

The team collectively stared at Emily. In the 5 years they had known her not one of them at ever seen her choke on her words before. Emily looked uncharacteristically weak, maybe even scared.

"Princess what's up? Do you know someone over there?" Morgan asked.

"No it's nothing, Sorry I don't know what came over me." Emily quickly recovered.

No one was convinced but knew Emily would be embarrassed enough by her little display of emotions, they didn't dare to pry.

Emily quickly excused herself and ran toward the bathroom. JJ found herself running behind. She knew something was wrong and she wasn't going to let it go.

Emily ducked into the ladies room and quickly into a stall. She dropped to her knees hugging the porcelain throne as the emptied the contents of her stomach. In her career she had killed a few murders, she had made mistakes. But she was never the reason one of her closest friends had to die. She sent Tsia to that apartment. She told her it was safe. She told her to use the code. Tsia never saw it coming. She handed her friend to Doyle on a silver platter.

Emily felt her hair being pulled back, a gently soothing hand rubbing circles on her back. She reached her hand up flushing the toilet and turning to meet the eyes of her best friend.

As Emily gazed into JJ's deep cerulean eyes the last piece of the wall she had fought so hard to keep fell opening the flood gates. Emily curled up into herself as powerful sobs shook her body. Her tightly closed eyes were no match for the tears streaming down her face. She felt herself rocking back and forth as the image of Doyle standing over her friends continued to haunt her.

JJ looked at her broken best friend feeling her own hot tears fall down her face. She had never seen Emily break; she had begun to believe nothing could get to her. Emily was strong, invincible. What was it about these homicides that broke her? It was all she could do to rub circles against her best friends stiffened back offering as much comfort as she possible could.

When the sobs finally turned to sniffles, Emily looked up at JJ with red puffy eyes.

"Jaye, I'm, I'm sorry." Emily whispered.

"Emily Elizabeth Prentiss, don't you ever apologize for being upset." JJ replied.

"I have to go, Emily said standing abruptly. She turned around making eye contact with the blonde. "Jaye, you know I love you right."

Before JJ could respond Emily was out the door. Emily ran down the back steps and out of the BAU. She knew they wouldn't forgive her but she had to protect them and this is the only way she knew how.

"Everyone conference room now." Hotch ordered.

The team gathered around the table waiting to see what happened. Rossi picked up on JJ's red rimmed eyes and Emily's absence but knew this was not the right time.

"Where's Prentiss?" Hotch asked.

"JJ notified the team about a double homicide off 9th, Emily started acting funny and ran off. JJ followed her." Reid declared.

Morgan shot Reid a look that said shut up now. Reid shrugged not understanding what he could have said wrong. It was the truth. That is exactly what happened.

"JJ, listen to me this is very important, WHERE IS PRENTISS?" Hotch asked.

"She ran out of the bathroom, I don't know where she went." JJ replied.

"What's going on Hotch?" Morgan asked the concern growing for his partner.

"Agent Prentiss worked for Interpol prior to coming to work her. She worked for a team called the JTF-12, which was assembled after 9/11 to profile terrorist. During her time there she spent several years undercover developing a case against a dangerous arms dealer, named Ian Doyle. She took the cover of Lauren Reyolds." Hotch informed the team.

"Wait, Reid said, a few days ago Emily was on the phone I heard her say Lauren Reynolds is dead.

It was like an affirmation. Almost like she was reminding herself."

"At some point, Emily's handler found out she was pregnant, with Doyle's child." Hotch added.

"Wait she was sleeping with the enemy, seriously. That is wrong on so many levels Hotch. Who the hell is she? She's supposed to be my partner but it turns out she's just some whore sleeping around for a profile, getting herself knocked up." Morgan said angry.

"How dare you talk about Emily that way Morgan! Rossi yelled. Emily is a fine agent and she is your friend.

She is all of our friends.

She will explain what happened when she is ready. I'm sure there was a reason she hasn't told us.

"Garcia, he said into the phone, track Emily quickly." Hotch ordered.

"Why do I need to track my raven wonder woman?" Garcia asked.

"Garcia we don't have time for this find her." Hotch yelled.

"Yes sir, Garcia responded, taken back by the anger in his voice.

"Rossi, Morgan go over to Emily's. If she is going after Doyle she might stop by there first. JJ you and Reid start working on the profile. We have to treat Emily as our vic here." Hotch ordered walking out of the room.

Reid went to the board and began his genius thing. JJ took advantage of him being distracted and headed for the roof for some air. It was too much finding out your best friend was sleeping with an arms dealer, went after him alone, and was probably going to end up dead.

She didn't see it coming. The next thing she knew she was waking up in a cold damp cell with a wicked headache.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

"JJ I think I found something…Reid began turning around.

The room he was standing in was empty. He went over to Hotch's door and knocked.

"Hotch have you seen JJ? Reid asked.

"Did you check with Garcia?" Hotch replied.

"No, but Hotch something doesn't feel right. JJ would have told me if she was leaving." Reid replied.

Hotch got a quesy feeling in his gut. Reid was right, JJ was the best of his agents at checking in. Something wasn't right. He began a search of the building. As he reached the top of the roof gun pointed he noticed something on the ground. Hotch cleared the roof and picked up the towel. Chloroform, Ian Doyle had JJ.

JJ blinked trying to orient herself with her new found captivity.

"Well hello darling, an irish accent said, did you have a nice nap?"

"No! What the hell am I doing here Doyle?" JJ spit.

She wasn't sure it was Ian Doyle who had her but after the briefing with Hotch, Irish, Mean and wanting revenge on Emily he fit the bill.

"Oh darling, there's no need to be rude. You are here as my special guest." Doyle replied. "In fact I think its time you make a phone call."

Doyle dialed Emily's number pleased when it went straight to voicemail.

"Hello love. I believe I have something that belongs to you. She's a beautiful thing. I don't know why she would get herself mixed up with you. Shall we punish her for her bad taste in women? Doyle asked as he took a hot rod and pressed it firmly against JJ's delicate skin, eliciting a breathtaking scream. "All I want is you love. It's time for you to pay for killing our baby. Meet me at the café I first came to know your true identity and your precious Agent Jareau will be saved." NOOOOO screamed JJ, NO EMILY! Doyle closed the phone.

Emily had gone straight to her apartment after leaving the BAU. She knew they would look for her there first. She took her badge and gun and laid it on the table with a note. She didn't plan on surviving this time. She needed to atone for her sins just as badly as he needed to make her pay. She pulled the gold chain off of her neck looking down at the irish wedding rings hanging down. Even after all this time she still couldn't let them go. These rings were a symbol of their love, the love that created their child. She was almost finished securing her spare gun to her ankle when her phone beeped.

Hearing JJ's screams, feeling her nightmare coming to life sent spasms through her body. Hold on JJ I'm coming she said running from the house. They could track her car and her phone. She left everything behind and headed for the familiar place.

Hotch called the team and the director informing them that Ian Doyle had kidnapped Agent Jareau. They all knew Emily would sacrifice herself for JJ. They all knew Emily valued JJ's life above her own.

"Garcia please tell me you have something! Hotch said.

"An old informant for the Irish mob tipped local PD off that a man matching Doyle's description was last seen at a café 5 blocks from here." Garcia informed.

"Great work Garcia, Morgan Rossi go check on the café, keep your distance we don't want to spook him." Hotch said.

Emily knew immediately what she had to do. Hearing JJ 's screams lit a fire beneath her that she herself could not comprehend. It was as though in that moment JJ became Jennifer, she became more than her best friend, more than her sister, she became the woman that she loved the woman that she would gladly lay down her life to protect.

She had known Ian Doyle for years while undercover. She knew how he liked his eggs, the way he would thrash around in his sleep snuggling into a pillow for unconscious comfort, she knew the way his eyes turned dark when she wore that certain dress, she knew his soft touch, his passionate kiss. She knew what made Ian Doyle tick. She knew what buttons to push to save her precious Jennifer, after all her life meant nothing, but Jennifer, she meant everything.

Emily felt a calm rush over her body and a smile reach the corners of her mouth as she pictured the woman she had loved for the past 3 years, the woman whose long blonde hair fell gently against her tan face, whose deep cerulean eyes melted the toughest of crowds, whose soft angelic voice soothed the darkest of souls.

She quietly takes a seat outside the small French cafe, immediately feeling herself tense as he made his presence known. He knew not to get to close, to draw attention from suspecting eyes so he simply handed the waitress a purple and white flower, which Emily knew all too well, asking her to deliver it to the beautiful raven haired woman sitting alone at the far table. Emily felt her breath hitch as the fragrance filled her nose. He was leaving her a trail to find her beloved. She only hoped she would be alive when the trail ran cold.

Emily stood up laying the flower on the table on top of a paper scribbled with a few words she hoped her team would understand. It was all she could do to drop bread crumbs and hope they found them, alive. She had to believe they would come; she had to have some sort of hope to hang on to.

Doyle lifted his phone of his pocket after delivering the flower to his dear Lauren, it was her favorite and he knew she would understand the message. Come alone and she lives, run and she dies.

_Liam- when Lauren arrives at the church knock her out gently and tie her up. She needs to be awake for confession.-Ian_

JJ lay shivering on the dirty, cold basement floor of the old Catholic Church. The church had been closed down for renovations. No one would hear her scream. She felt the sting of the deep burn send convulsions through her body. Hot tears poured from her cheeks as she sat holding her knees quietly sobbing knowing Emily would come and knowing Emily would die. She felt weak, pathetic for letting herself be taken, for not fighting harder, for being the bait they wanted her to be. She was mad at Emily for hiding this, she wasn't sure if forgiveness would come but she didn't want her dead, she could never wish that for anyone, especially Emily. There was something about the raven haired woman that caught her attention. She liked men, she did, but there was just something mesmerizing about her, something that no one could resist.

She heard the door to her prison open, instinctively she felt her grip tighten around her body, attempting to shield herself from the impending harm.

"Get up, the older Irish man demanded, come on let's go."

JJ let out a deep gasp as his arm brushed her sensitive burn peeling a small piece of raw flesh off. She quickly complied to prevent anymore damage, anymore pain. He led her up several concrete steps and into a large open room. She looked around taking note of the stain glass windows, the alter, and the pews. She immediately recognized her surroundings. She was being held in St. Patrick's Cathedral in downtown D.C. She felt her body relax for a second allowing herself to think, Doyle's from Ireland, he's most likely Catholic or Protestant, he would never kill in his place of worship, he wouldn't right.

Rossi and Morgan arrived at the French cafe and immediately surveyed the area for Doyle. They sat in the SUV prepared to wait for him to arrive for a moment before spotting the familiar purple and white flower on a nearby table.

"Morgan look, Rossi said pointing to the flower, Emily was holding that flower when she was taken from Doyle's home. Either she left it or he did."

Morgan felt the wind beneath his feet, the determination in his stride. His partner, and his friend were missing. He reached the table and immediately picked up the napkin, scanning the lines.

_To step foot in the place most unwelcome_

Morgan slammed his fist against the table reaching for his phone. The boy genius would be able to figure this out. He would know. Dammit Prentiss why couldn't you just have written the address, the name something. We don't have time for these riddles. JJ's life is in danger; your life is in danger.

Rossi picked up the note and read it over while his partner was calling it in. He read the words over and over again. To step foot, okay she is walking into something, through a door ...to the place MOST unwelcomed. Then it hit him, Emily was not welcomed in the church after her abortion, it was the church.

"Morgan shes going to a church. We need Garcia to find out of there are any church's around here that are closed down." Rossi yelled.

Morgan wanted to know how Rossi figured it out, he wanted to scream and yell realizing there was yet another secret Emily had kept, but instead he relayed the message hoping the team would be able to at least save JJ, he was wondering if Emily deserved saving.

Emily took a deep breath in as she slowly pushed open the doors to the church. She wasn't sure what she was expecting to happen. It was not so much Ian Doyle that brought her fear in that moment, but the fear of burning instantly, the fear of being punished for her crime. She knew he must have known, there was no other reason to bring her to the one place she would never go unprovoked.

Soft music filled the room, masking JJ's cries. She could see Emily creeping in, gun raised clearing each pew one by one. She could see Liam sneaking up behind her lifting up his hand and bringing his gun down on the back of her head. She could see Emily drop instantly limb to the floor. She tried to yell to scream but it was no use. The music was too loud, her voice too weak. She watched as Liam dragged the unconscious form of her best friend over to her tying her up in a chair just far away she could not reach. She sat there for what felt like hours watching the slow rhythm of her chest rising and falling, assuring herself Emily was still alive, for now.

Emily began to stir immediately pulling on the ropes burning into her wrists. She fought to open her heavy eyes and pull through the fog of her pounding head.

"Em, can you hear me open your eyes come on Em please!" JJ begged.

Emily forced them opened hearing the soft angelic voice floating into her hears. All of her compartments had been instantaneously crumbled by her voice. She couldn't hold back the emotions flowing out like a dam that just broke flooding her reservations and washing her brave demeanor away.

"OMG JJ, I am so sorry, this is my fault, I am so sorry. He will let you go, he will. He wants me to suffer, you'll be okay, you'll go back to your family and this will all just be a bad dream." Emily said rambling attempting to fight the pools forming in her eyes.

Clap, Clap, Clap.

JJ felt anger inside boil as she heard him approach. She had never seen her best friend so raw, so exposed. Her heart shattered at tone coming from her once fearless raven beauty. She felt an overwhelming need to comfort her. To tell her she wish she hadn't come, that she would have died for her. That it would have been worth it. That her dark eyes that radiated beauty, against her tone pale skin, that her touch was infectious, that she would have given up everything, even her son for this woman but instead she stood quiet, frozen his words.

"Well, well my love that was quite the speech. You seem to know me so well, but I don't think our little friend here really knows you. I'll tell you want I will let her go if you tell her the truth, everything, don't leave anything out now love, one slip and shes gone." Doyle said pulling back the safety of the gun currently pointed at JJ's head.

JJ swallowed hard, unable to contain the wave of fresh tears cascading down her face.

"Ian I hurt you, I hurt you not JJ. Let her go this has nothing to do with her." Emily replied forcing herself to sound braver than she felt.

"On the contrary my love, she has everything to do with this. You look at her the way Lauren looked at me, does she know, have you told her what she means to you." Doyle asked.

Emily saw the confusion spread across JJ's face as the words began to sink in.

"JJ I'm sorry." Emily said with such confection the young blonde felt herself shutter. "Five years ago I went undercover for the CIA to gain Intel on an international arms dealer named Valhalla. I was using the alias Lauren Reynolds, a fellow arms dealer. Our informant at the time arranged a meeting with Ian. At the time I didn't know he was Valhalla, only that he knew his identity. Emily took a deep breath before continuing. My job was to get close to Ian, we had profiled him and learned I was his type. I was only supposed to use him to get information and then get out but I did more."

Emily put her head down, feeling the guilt boiling up from within her. Despite his criminal activities he was a man, she was a woman and the way she played him was cruel.

"Love that was a nice story now why don't you tell your little girl friend what more you actually did." Ian egged on.

Emily lifted her head up meeting JJ's eyes, she felt herself shutter as the look of fear, disgust and anger was directed back at her. She didn't want to hurt the blonde, she didn't want her to hear the things she had done, but she knew, she knew that if she did he would let her go. It was the one thing she was sure of, Ian Doyle always kept his word.

"I made him fall in love with me, I lied and manipulated his heart. I slept with him Jaye, and I accepted his proposal. I married him." Emily finished turning her head away.

"Good love, now one last thing, Doyle says pulling the necklace holding the gimmel rings from her neck. These are the rings we used, these are her rings that she has kept around her neck all this time. These are the rings that she wore before she consummated our marriage with passionate love. She was Lauren Reynolds back then, and she will be Lauren Reynolds when I kill her now."

Doyle pulled the gun away from JJ's head and shot point blank into Emily's right shoulder, eliciting a scream from the woman as the bullet seared through her flesh and blood poured out of the gaping hole left behind. He leaned in and kissed Emily passionately pressing against her wound to stop her resistance. He pulled away turning to his partner.

JJ sat frozen against her chair. She felt hurt, betrayed. How could Emily have done all those things? But it wasn't Emily that had, it wasn't the Emily she was sure she had fallen in love with. It was someone else, someone she had left behind years ago. Lauren Reynolds was undercover, Lauren Reynolds slept with, hell married that monster not her Emily. She felt the tears streaming down her face. Unaware of the vision unfolding before her loves eyes. Emily saw JJ's pain as anger, as resentment, she saw it as a reason to surrender freely. The last thing she had to live for was gone. She would never be forgiven.

'Take her a few blocks away and leave a phone with her. By the time they are done helping her, our little friend her will be granted her final confession." Doyle instructed.

"NOOOOO, JJ screamed, fighting as the older Irish man pulled her away from Emily. She could see the blood pooling at her feet, her pale skin growing paler by the second. She couldn't leave her behind.

Emily turned and looked JJ in the eye. "Jay I love you more than anything in this world. This is my fight, I caused this suffering and I alone must atone for my sins. Take care of everyone, especially that little boy."

JJ visibly shook from the calm, icy voice delivering words meant as goodbye. She felt Emily's guilt wash over her, instantly causing her own legs to give. She felt Doyle's partner supporting all her weight, dragging her away from the one who still had her heart. She couldn't leave her this way, she couldn't let her think she meant nothing, she couldn't die feeling alone.

Just as the sunlight of freedom crossed her face JJ turned her head and yelled, "EMILY ELIZABETH PRENTISS you don't give up, you have to stay alive so I can be mad at you, you have to fight so I can show you what it means to be loved."

Emily felt the fire building up inside her, but kept her head down sulking. She would fight for Jennifer, she would give it everything she had, but Doyle needed to feel in control and she was going to give him that.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

Liam dragged JJ down the steps forcefully, knocking her unconscious as the final step collided with her head. Feeling the dead weight he lifted up the blonde placing her in the back of a van.

JJ felt dizzy, a terrible pounding was radiating against the side of her skull. She fought to open her heavy eyes, stirring slowly. The pieces began falling into place, Doyle, Emily, Blood. Oh god she thought as she threw herself up.

Looking around everything was growing dark. JJ wasn't sure where she was, a building maybe. She felt an object next to her hand. He left her a phone, the team she thought as she dialed a familiar number.

The team was already on the way to the church, when a ringing filled the cab.

"Hotch, Hotch!" JJ sobbed.

"Jay is that you, where are you? Are you hurt? Hotch replied allowing fear to seep into his normally stoic voice.

"Doyle's partner dropped me off somewhere, he left me a phone. Hotch Doyle shot Emily, we were at a church, she came for me and he shot her. There was so much blood, she was so pale." JJ continued.

"JJ were on our way, we'll get to her I promise. Reid and Rossi will come for you. Can you tell me where you are?" Hotch asked.

JJ looked around, struggling to see anything through her tears, stumbling from the injury to her head, umm I think I see a sign, I'm on Crawford Street, by a warehouse."

"Good JJ, they will be there soon." Hotch reassured his young agent, knowing it probably wouldn't be soon enough.

At least JJ's safe, Emily thought, taking a deep breath and welcoming her fate. The adrenaline coursing through her veins only moments earlier had left with her blonde angel. She was no longer Emily Prentiss. The empty woman bleeding to death in that chair was Lauren Reynolds. She welcomed her fate, craving the atonement Doyle was generously offering. It meant she would finally find peace, she would be in a place without guilt fear and pain. She had accepted that she was going to die. She was okay with that. She had a family, a family that she didn't deserve a family she put in danger and deserted but still she wasn't alone for the first time. JJ wanted her to live, she had to fight for her blonde angel.

"Here we are my love, alone like old times. Are you ready for your final confession Lauren?" Doyle asked.

Emily saw a small blonde haired mini jayje flash before her eyes, then a another boy a few years older with brown hair just like his dad. They would be Doyle's first victims. She couldn't do this. She quickly wiped at the tears streaming down her face. She saw JJ beat because of her, she saw Hotch's stern glare, Rossi's warm smile turned to sadness, Derek's laughter turned to shouts, reids eye brow raised his head down trying to grasp the situation, and Garcia's tears she could almost feel the words coming from her mouth "Emily please your family", yes they were her family and for her family she would die. This was her fight and she wasn't pulling them down with her.

"You promise me Ian, you promise me you won't hurt a single member of my team or their families after I'm gone. I am in debt to you. I lied and screwed up your life so you punish me, you kill me but I have to know, so promise me I'm not dying for nothing." Emily half yelled, half begged as the blood from her shoulder was pouring steadily out weakening her by the minute.

Doyle felt his previously raging emotions settle instantly at her request. She was the reason he lost everything, she lied and broke his heart. She took everything from him, everything. She needed to pay not them. He wasn't going to hurt them. Part of him wanted to say he would just so she could hurt as much emotionally as she had hurt him but the bigger part still loved her and couldn't do that.

"They will not be harmed Emily, you have my word." Doyle announced watching Emily take in a deep breath in relief. Now enough stalling lets have some fun."

Before Emily could react Doyle pointed his head up shooting her with the tazer gun. Electricity vibrated through her body leaving her convulsing in a heap on the ground. Sufficiently weakened for the moment Doyle picked Emily up and sat her on a chair, securing her hands and feet.

"Now let's get started shall we?" Doyle said.

"Lauren I want to hear you beg for forgiveness. I want you to tell me how you went to that clinic and murdered our baby." Doyle said as he took a bat a swung it against her ribs.

Emily gasped for breath as the pain of the impact and the grinding of her newly broken rib was making the task unbearable. A slight tint of blue crept across her once red lips as oxygen became more difficult.

"What's the matter love? You don't have an answer. You can't admit you killed a child created in love because of the deranged hatred you had toward its father, or was it because you didn't want your previous teammates to know how far you were willing to go for a profile. What is it love?" Doyle prodded.

Mentioning the baby was too much for Emily to take. She did not go and kill the child, the baby had died. The stress of her double life was too much for the fetus to handle. She had a miscarriage and went to the clinic to have it taken care of. She would never have killed a baby, despite where its ancestry had come.

She took a ragged breath in before ripping her arms from the ropes and charging at Doyle. She felt the life slipping from her body as she landed a few blows before surrendering to darkness.

At the hospital Reid sat anxiously in the waiting room for news on JJ. The doctors had assured him when he came in that she was fine, just a few bumps and bruises, and a minor concussion but he didn't believe them, he needed to see her for himself. He wondered why the team chose him, was it because he saw JJ as the mother figure he had always longed for, because the team knew he would need to see her, to know she was okay, or was it because they didn't want him there when they faced Doyle, they didn't want him to see what would be left of Emily after an uneven fight. Worry painted his face as he waited.

"Garcia I need that address now, where are they?" Hotch asked, worry shaky in his usual stoic tone, he knew JJ would be furious at him for lying, but he needed her to be safe. He knew if she felt Emily was still alone she would turn back. He couldn't lose them both.

"I got it, 348 Lyntons Court, Malhis, MA, its about 20 minutes away from you just south of Boston, it looks to be an abandoned warehouse. I'm sending the coordinates to your tablets now." Garcia replied.

"Thanks Garcia!" Hotch answered plugging in the coordinates. He feel the sweat begin to collect on his brow as he realized that Emily didn't have 20 minutes.

"You guys be safe and you bring my raven haired buttercup back in one piece you understand me!" Garcia pleaded.

"You got it baby girl" Morgan replied not wanting to upset the sensitive technical analyst.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

"Are you here for Agent Jareau?" a young red head with a white coat asked Reid.

"Yea, is JJ okay? Can I see her? What are her injuries? Most trauma isn't seen in the first 24 hours. Was she stabbed? There are high instances of contracting hospital bourne diseases….." Reid started rambling off.

"She's fine, really you can go back and see here right now. I'm preparing her papers to be discharged. She was exposed to a low level of electrical shock which may leave her feeling weak a few days and she's going to have a nice black eye but otherwise shes just fine." The doctor said.

Reid was beyond relieved for JJ, but his worry intensified for Emily. His training told him that JJ was a decoy, the only reason she would have gotten away unharmed is if he was given the true object of his hate, Emily. Oh god, Emily's going to die. The realization hit him like a ton of bricks. He fought back the raging pools forming behind his eyes and walked into JJ's room.

The blonde was busy getting her shoes on, wanting to get out of there as soon as possible. She might have been upset with Emily for the way things were handled but she was still her best friend and she saved her life. She had to go and help. She was the only one who met Doyle, who knew the hatred he had for Emily.

"Ring, Ring…Reid looked down at his phone. Hotch was written across the screen.

His eyes connected with JJ's, her deep blues giving him a look of shear terror, a look he would hope to never see again. He fumbled the phone in his hand almost dropping it as he attempted to answer…"Reid"

Hotch, Morgan and Rossi pulled up to the warehouse. Back up had been called but none of them were waiting to see what was going to happen. They opened the door and cleared room by room before coming face to face with their worst nightmare.

Doyle took his time inflicting the most amount of pain and pressure he could. He began by breaking her ribs with a metal baseball bat taking pride in the guttural screams that escaped her throat. Emily was paling quickly, sweat pouring down her face. She didn't want to give him the satisfaction but the pain was too much. She turned her head and began vomiting as the second punch cracked her jaw. She felt her head swarming. Doyle seeing her body ready to give into the agonizing pain reached for a knife and proceeded to make hundreds of cuts all over her body. He watched her red blood taint her beautiful porcelain skin. Her eyes began to flicker close, ready to give in, ready for this to all be over. He was enraged, he wasn't done with her yet. He tore open her blouse revealing her greatest assets. He reached and gave them a hard, painful squeeze. That was it, that personal touch turned into something hateful was her final straw. Emily gave in to the tears pouring down her face. It would be over soon. He had won, he broke her.

"Hotch, did you find her? Is she okay?" Reid all but screamed into the phone.

"We got her, were on our way to the hospital now. Is JJ okay?" Hotch asked in his best supervisor tone, masking the pain in his voice.

"Yea nothing worse than she's had before, she said to tell you, she wants to know why you won't tell us about Emily. You never did answer Hotch." Reid said.

"We'll be there soon." Hotch replied quickly hanging up.

How could he tell the young genius and the nurturing woman who was his agents best friend that this time her heroics didn't work out. That this time her going off trying to save the world got her killed. He couldn't tell him that, after all he didn't know if she was gone for good only that she was unrecognizable and the sound they heard, the cross between gurgling and wheezing could not have come for any living person. They would find out at the hospital, they would wait till it was official. Hotch knew his agent pushed this too far, he knew she would be gone but he wasn't about to show the team that.

Emily relinquished herself into the cold, darkness that was beckoning her. She awoke to overpowering shocks running through her body. Am I in hell, she thought. Was I really that terrible of a person? Then she heard it, the faint shouts coming from another place, somewhere far from where she was. "Clear, We got a rhythm." No, NOOO! Why didn't they let her go. They had to. Doyle wouldn't stop until she was dead. He wouldn't keep his word if she was here. She had to find the darkness, she had to fight to stay so she could save them.

Garcia took a commercial flight and arrived in the hospital waiting room several hours later. She was taken back by the empty shells representing her team. JJ was sporting a black eye and favoring one side. She had this look of despair that instantly brought tears to the technical analysts eyes, then there was her chocolate piece of paradise leaning forward his head in his heads staring out in disbelief, the boy genius was sitting chewing on his nails his head resting against the young blonde, Rossi the oldest member of the team the father figure kneeling in the middle of the room praying, begging for her life, and finally their fearless leader with a look of despair, a look that said she was already dead.

"Agent Prentiss?" the doctor asked the team.

"Yes that's us they all replied anxious to hear the news.

"The injuries to Agent Prentiss were extensive, the bones in both legs were shattered, broken ribs, collarbone, several lacerations to her entire body, and some muscle damage from electrical current are the major." The doctor began.

"You, you said were, you said were if she had this then shes dead, shes dead is Emily dead?" Reid panicked tightening his grasp on the young blonde.

The doctor looked at them apologetically.

"No, technically Agent Prentiss is in a coma and we have registered brain activity, however my experience in these situations is the patients tend to let go. They don't want to be in a broken body, full of pain. Agent Prentiss had reconstructive surgery on her legs, she will need to learn to walk again. She will be completely dependent on others for a while. That's a big thing to come back to." The doctor continued.

Looks were exchanged, tears fell, fists clenched…

"When can we see her? JJ asked.

"I don't think that's a good idea, she is in very bad shape right now, we cleaned her up but the damage is extensive….the doctor continued.

"I SAID WHEN CAN I SEE HER?" JJ repeated the filter gone from her voice.

Everyone looked up immediately. No one had ever seen the cool, collected media liaison lose her composure before. Wow!

"Shes in ICU, Room 308." The doctor replied and walked away.

"Studies suggest coma patients can hear everything said to them. Emily probably thinks we hate her, I mean she did put us all in danger and run away." Reid said

"Talking to her is a great idea, Rossi replied catching the nasty look Morgan gave before adding, "we her to know we forgive her if we want her to come back to us."

"If you guys don't mind I want to go first." JJ said.

Everyone nodded as JJ carefully gathered her balance and began the long walk to Emily's room not prepared for what she would find.

JJ gasped at the sight of her fearless best friend lying some helpless on the bed. She heard the quiet melody of the machines working collectively to breathe and pump blood through the stark woman's body. JJ was taken back by the realization Emily was dead. The machines were keeping her brain alive but without them she would be dead. She felt the bile creeping up her throat as she remembered the last words Emily spoke to her. If she hadn't let Doyle catch her Emily wouldn't be lying her so near death. It was her fault. She did this. JJ ran from the room and down the hall passing Morgan on his back from washing his tearful face. Morgan tried to stop her, to catch up but no one could stop JJ. She ran like the wind and she was not going to stop running, not for anything but Emily.

After relying to the team the scene he had just witnessed with JJ, Morgan decided he wasn't going to do this. His partner was dead to him, she was dead from the moment she decided this was her battle to fight alone. He owed her nothing. He put his head down and stormed out of the hospital, not stopping for a single glance back.

Anger began to brew within their stoic leader as he watched his team fall apart, one by one. Emily Prentiss was one of them, he knew he owed her the decency to say goodbye even if she couldn't hear him. She had broken the rules and he would have bent them to keep her with the team, with her family if she made it through but he couldn't put his team in jeopardy he had to let her go. He walked with purpose down to her room, taking a deep breath before opening the door, not to prepare himself as JJ did but to swallow the guilt of telling a woman on the edge of death that she was not welcomed back with the only family she knew. That this situation with Doyle had been the last straw, and he was sorry it had to end this way. Hotch did not get comfortable or hold he hand with a loving touch instead he stood in the doorway lifting his head up to see his injured former subordinate.

"Agent Prentiss, he began as though she would awake from her comatose state and respond, you will no longer be welcome as part of the BAU. If you chose to continue you career in the FBI it will need to be within another department. I wish you the best."

With those last words he left. Each of the remaining team members following a similar path, some went in and cried at her bedside as they said their tearful goodbyes but all leaving her behind, to fight or fade away she was still gone to them all. She had made her bed with Doyle and now was her time to lie in it.


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

It had been 7 months, 7 months since Emily walked out on her family, 7 months since she had eagerly given her life for the blonde she so desperately wanted, 7 months since she last looked into those deep cerulean eyes, 7 months since she laughed with Morgan or played chess with Reid. 7 months was a long time, birthdays and holidays had passed her by. When she began to feel the darkness resend and fought the long battle to open her heavy eyelids she had imagined it had been hours. The shock that she had missed almost a year of her life, a year of everyone's life was too much for her once locked compartments. Emily felt hot tears singe her cheeks and a painful dry swell linger in her throat. She fought to get someone's attention, for someone to see she was here.

After what felt like hours a nurse noticed her patients open eyes, calling for the doctor to perform an evaluation. They gave her water, explained that a great deal of time had passed and she would need therapy to walk again, that it would be months before she could be back at work. She felt the words come out of her month in a jumble thrown at the unsuspecting doctor. Where was her team? Could he call them? She was sure they were worried sick. She noticed his eyes look away, she knew that look, the avoidance look she often saw when integrating unsubs something was wrong, oh god were they dead. Emily began to panic once again seeing her team dead at the feet of Ian Doyle. She had failed them, he had escaped and now they were dead.

The machines began beeping erratically as her heart rate soured to dangerous heights. She felt a ton of pressure pushing against her, suffocating her, she looked around doctors and nurses were frantically trying to calm her but she couldn't calm down, she wouldn't. Suddenly she felt the warm touch that only belonged to one. She was here she was alive.

Emily fought through the black spots forming behind her eyes as too much oxygen was flooding her lungs, she fought to squeeze her hand against the other woman's, she fought to hear her angelic voice, to see her beautiful eyes. Finally her body began to relax, but it didn't allow her to see her blonde beauty, instead her body exhausted from the ordeal, weak from months in a coma pulled her into a deep sleep.

The hospital had called her in a panic. They told her Emily had woken but she was having some sort of episode or nightmare. They couldn't calm her when with the highest dose of sedatives. If she didn't calm down soon her heart, weak from months in a coma, would arrest from the pressure. She raced out of the building and to the hospital without realizing she had moved. Somewhere inside she needed to save her, to pay her back for giving herself up to Doyle, she had to see that she was awake, she had to comfort her best friend. She ran into the room and quickly grabbed her hand, amazed at how quickly the injured woman calmed and turned to her touch. She was shocked by the calming feeling she herself felt as the older woman fell asleep. Before that moment she hadn't thought about what she would say. How she would tell her former best friend that she just couldn't hurt anymore, that she had moved on, that she was glad she had pulled through but to please let her be happy. So as the older woman slept she leaned in and softly kissed her hand, goodbye Em, I'm sorry she uttered walking out of the hospital room, and out of the older woman's life forever.

Hours later Emily opened her eyes. She instantly noticed the cold where the younger woman's hand had been touching. She was alive but she was gone. Emily began going through the reasons in her head, they knew she was alive, they knew she was awake, her blonde haired beauty had come, she had been here but now she's gone, she's alone. The wheels were slowly turning in her head, memories playing like flashbacks from an old movie screen, Emily keeping Doyle a secret, Doyle hurting the one that meant the world, giving into the blackness, letting go. They had let go. She walked out on them and now it was 7 months later and they had let go. Maybe they thought she would never wake up, maybe forgiveness was too tall an order for them to fill, either way they were gone. It's funny how before she met them, before she knew family and love, being alone was okay, she was content to stay that way forever, but after experiencing this version of her life, she couldn't go back.

Determination, fight, power surged its way though her body. She was going to get through the physical therapy, through the pain, through anything and everything. She was going to get out of that hospital and get back to her job, back to her team. Even if it took her the rest of her life she was going to make this up to them.

Emily spent the next 3 months pushing herself harder than she ever thought possible. She had to get back to her team back to Jennifer. She had to know how much she loved her, she had to know that the world spun around her smile, that her eyes lit the darkest of paths that her body was a temple that she would endlessly worship.

"Okay Agent Prentiss, this is it you are officially free to go." the nurse exclaimed.

"Finally!" Emily said with relief flowing through her voice.

She wanted to call her Jennifer, to surprise her but she knew this was not the way she was going to see her after all this time. So she did the only thing she could think of, she called her mother.

The ambassador almost seemed happy to her from her, an emotion that Emily had not known much as a child. A car would be sent for her and she would be staying at her mother's mansion until she could find a place of her own. Her brownstone had been sold off after the first month in a coma. The ambassador had even fought to remove her from the machines so she could salvage her own reputation and squash the rumors floating around about her daughter. She wanted to bury her, to move on but now that she could hear her voice once again her feelings had changed.

Emily was settled quickly at her mothers. She had made an appointment with Erin Strauss for the next week. Emily spent the time trying to acclimate back into society. She began her usual run around the park and cooked her favorite meals. Her mother's chef and house keeper had offered to do everything but Emily needed the independence.

She found the phone twirling in her hand on many occasions, a few times she had actually pressed the familiar numbers but she had to hold back. Once she talked to Strauss she would face her team. Once they saw her, the old Emily, they would forgive her and everything would be okay, or so she thought.


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

The meeting with Strauss had arrived quicker than she anticipated. She spent a good hour that morning ensuring every last wrinkle was removed from her pants. It was not so much for the director's benefit as it was JJ's. She walked up the steps leading to her office with such confidence; any bystander would never have suspected the ordeal she had so recently recovered, to the world she looked like the strong, fearless woman who had graced these halls almost a year early. Emily took in a deep breath as she raised her hand to knock.

"Come in Agent Prentiss," said the voice behind the desk."

Emily obliged walking in and taking her appropriate seat at the large wooden desk. She snuck a quick look around Strauss's office, almost not surprised by the lack of personal décor and imagery.

"Agent Prentiss I want to begin by saying that although the FBI is grateful that you life was spared we can not condone the behavior of a rogue agent." Strauss began.

"But ma'am…." Emily started but was cut off.

"Due to the nature of this case, and recommendation from the CIA the FBI conduct board has decided to allow you to keep your badge." Strauss said anger beaming through the words."

Emily couldn't contain the smile that spread across her face like a wild fire. After losing all this time, after everything she had been through she had a job. She was going back to her family.

Seeing the light spread across the face of the agent, the director felt an evil laughter rise from the depths of her being.

"Agent Prentiss, while you remain free to work within the FBI, you will no longer have a place at the BAU." Strauss said vindictively seeing the questions begin to form on the agents tongue, that order came as a result of Agent Hotchner informing me that his entire team wishes to eliminate contact with you both professionally and personally and will not be able to do their jobs with you in the way. Take a few days to decide which department you would like to transfer."

Emily quickly wiped away the tear that escaped from the corner of her eye. That couldn't be true. Hotch would never, they would never, they were her family, they would forgiver her they were just a little bit upset. But a little bit upset wouldn't involve the director, it would be a direct order to remove her from the job she worked so hard for. At that moment Emily knew that her time as an agent of the FBI was over.

She stood up forcefully from the desk, knocking the chair back as she stood. She reached over and grabbed her gun and badge tossing them on the table. Strauss's eyes grew wide, not at surprise of her resignation she knew that the woman would quit, she was scared, the look in Emily's eyes she couldn't place, she couldn't react to, it was feral and she didn't know what would happen next.

As quickly as the scene had unfolded it was over. Erin Strauss was safe behind her desk and former Agent Emily Prentiss was gone.

The next few weeks were a blur. Word had spread throughout the BAU quickly of Emily's resignation. JJ thought about calling her, sending her a quick text something to see how she was doing. But the guilt for letting her down, the anger for being put in that position was still reeling inside her. Emily was strong, invincible, and indestructible, she wasn't like her or Garcia or even Reid. She compartmentalized everything and nothing got to her. Plus she could have reached out that day before she quit, before she threw way what was left of her life but she didn't. JJ buried herself in work, accepting more cases than she had before, trying to keep from thinking of her best friend, no her former best friend. A true best friend wouldn't have let her be bait for a psycho.

Meanwhile Emily was unraveling fast. Her compartments had shattered at the casual way Strauss described her former leaders disgust for her, at her team's refusal to give her another chance. She couldn't stay in her mother's shadow she had to get away. Emily went home and packed up everything important to her and took a car to the one place she felt safe, an old cabin on a lake in Eastern Virginia. It was a short ride from the bustle of Washington, DC and Emily needed seclusion.

Emily spent the day like she had spent the last 10 before, lying in bed staring at the ceiling consuming the small amount of water necessary for survival. She began to feel tired, achy and cold as her organs shut down one by one in an effort to survive. She laughed at her body's fight to live, her unconscious struggle. Why won't it let her go, why does her body have to battle with her mind. Her mind said she was alone, no one wanted her, no one needed her. Suddenly as if a light bulb literally went off in her end she found the answer. A blanket of peace washed over her as she rolled over the solution to please her conflicting sides in her mind. She reached out for a pen, paper and some fruit. She would need her strength to write these, she would need her mind clear to get this all out.

Rossi made his way into the bullpen just as JJ was flying past. He noticed the tears streaming down her tan face, feeling his heart break at the sight of his broken friend, colleague. There was only person who could inflict that much pain onto the younger woman he thought as he looked around the empty bullpen. A bad feeling began to work its way through Rossi as he pushed the door open to his office revealing a white envelope with familiar handwriting. Remembering the press liaisons face as she ran past he wasted no time tearing the envelope open taking in the words that would haunt him forever.

_Dave,_

_You more than a best selling author and incredibly talented agent you are an amazing soul. You treated me like the daughter you never had, and I saw you as the father I always dreamed of. You brought me more joy than I could ever express. I can't begin to know the disappointment you are feeling in me for not sharing more of my life with Ian. Please believe that I truly believed in my own twisted way I was helping you. Please know when we were standing in that vacant lot after Matthew when I shared with you something I could never move past, the look of sadness, the comfort and lack of judgment I saw brought me a feeling of love and safety I will never forget. Matthew needs me now Dave. I need to go to the place that I can't keep hurting all of you. I know why you didn't want me on the team, I know you think you moved on but we both know as long as I'm alive out there somewhere there will be questions and hope. You won't truly be able to move on. Just know that I am not capable of being sweet, funny Emily anymore. I am weak and broken. There is nothing left of me, so there will be nothing left for you to mourn, if you even still feel for me at all. I wonder how the act of walking out that day could erase all of the memories we had made. I began this letter thinking I would die tonight, but the truth is I died that day. I died that day a year ago when I let you all down. As you read this I will be taking my final breaths, there won't be any way to save me. I know you will feel a civil duty to call in my body. I will be where the water meets the sand at heavens gate. Dave, one last request, I know you know me nothing but please watch over JJ. She deserves to feel the love I only wish I could have given her._

_Farewell,_

_Emily_

Rossi felt his own hot tears streaming down his face. He couldn't hold back the emotion as the words she spoke shook him to the core. Emily was dead. His cara bella, his friend had done the one thing no one would have predicted, she took her life over his selfishness. If he only forgave her she would still be here. God what was wrong with him. He threw the chair at his feet with such force the wood shattered against the wall.

Hotch had been sitting in his office catching up on old case files when he heard the commotion erupting from the office next door. Gun held high he ran into his friend's office, unprepared for the vision he would see.

Rossi lay curled up in a ball leaning against his desk sobbing freely. Broken glass and wood covered the once immaculate space. Hotch felt a panic rising within him as he bent down to comfort his shaking friend.

"Dave, what is it, what happened? Hotch questioned.

"Its…Its….sheeee….sheees dead…She's dead Hotch, Em, Em's dead." Rossi choked out.

Hotch felt his eyes grow wide as he took the note from his friend and began running his eyes over the deliberate words, feeling his own emotion build. Hotch pushed it all back as his training kicked in. He went over to the phone and called Garcia.

"Garcia, I need a trace on Emily now!" Hotch demanded.

Garcia was taken back by the emotion she had never heard from her boss, it was like this deep, horrifying pain, guilt and fear. This was the second person who had asked for Emily's location in the past 20 minutes, and only the second time she had heard that name in months. No one spoke of Emily, it was like she didn't exist until now. First JJ now Hotch she wanted to know what was going on. She was hurt but her raven haired chocolate orbed wonder woman was still her friend, even though admittedly she hadn't reached out to tell her that.

"Yea boss man but JJ she just asked me the same thing she was crying and I can hear your upset someone better tell me what happened right now! The technical analyst demanded, uncaring of her unprofessional demanding tone toward her supervisor.

"She sent a letter Garcia, a suicide letter….Hotch had just finished uttering the last word, suicide, before the loud sobs of his technical analyst began rocking through the phone. "Garcia" he tried again unable to get through to his broken subordinate, "GARCIA" he yelled loud enough to get the attention of both Morgan and Reid who had just settled into their desks, the address now."

Garcia pulled herself together long enough to send the address to their tablets. Maybe she was kidding she thought, maybe it was a sick joke to get back at all of them for turning their backs on her. She was probably fine. But if she was fine why would she be at a cabin in Virgina, why would she have gone somewhere so secluded if…oh god the realization that Emily might really be dead this time was too much. Garcia crumbled to her knees.

Hotch jumped up leaving the broken older agent on the floor and ended for the bullpen.

"Reid I want you to go down to Garcia's lair and stay with her, Morgan you're with me." Hotch ordered.

Both agents looked puzzled and reluctantly obeyed the order. Once they were in the car, Morgan behind the wheel, Hotch feverously typing the address into the GPS did the older agent finally reveal the reason for the hurried trip.

Morgan felt his grip on the steering wheel tighten as words played over and over again in his head like a terrible broken record. Prentiss, suicide, body, recovery….Morgan felt his anger for his former partner rise. It wasn't bad enough she walked out of them, that she almost got JJ killed, that she put herself into a coma for 7 months, but now she was doing this. What the hell was wrong with her, hadn't they suffered enough? He didn't think for a second how she must have suffered, what terrible pain could have brought her to this point, all the could think was Prentiss was too strong, too compartmentalized, hell she was too, too invincible she would never.

JJ wiped at the tears clouding her vision. Her Emily wouldn't do this. No matter how bad things were, how bad she hurt she wouldn't do this. JJ thought back to that morning, the events that were burned into her memory forever.

_JJ walked through the glass doors into the BAU. She always beat everyone in. She began her morning routine unaware of the date. Today marked one year since Emily sacrificed herself for the blonde she so deeply loved. She went straight to the coffee machine filling up her oversized mug before heading into her office. She sighed seeing the folders pilled all around knowing that inside each one was someone else's sacrifice. She shuttered at the thought that she would have been one of the victims she looked at every day if it wasn't for Emily. The mere thought of her former best friend brought an unconscious smile to her face. She had been so mad at her best friend for lying, for leaving her with the psyco, for sacrificing herself. She was mad at her because she needed saving. She felt the guilt wash over her. Emily wasn't dead, she had woken up from the coma and even tried to come back to work. She was fine. Maybe it was time to forgive. She reached for her phone sending a quick text to Garcia about a girls night out like old times, the three of them. No sooner at she seen the text go through did the questioning begin in her mind. Maybe she should let Emily go. Beep…"Sounds wonderful my rainbow sprinkle, I miss my raven haired wonder woman even if she was stupid, and mean….JJ stopped reading. A white envelope with family hand writing had caught her attention. "Jennifer Jareau" was written across the front in the neatness only a ambassador's daughter would possess. JJ breathed deeply as she tore it open, unprepared for the words inside._

_ Jennifer, _

_I never knew what it meant to have a sister, to have someone to love you unconditionally. I never knew someone who would put me above themselves. I never knew someone who couldn't make me feel as much as you do, who could give me butterflies with the slightest touch, who could melt my heart with their smile. There was never anyone who could break down the walls I spent my entire life building strong. No one I would let see the real me, no one but you. _

_There are no words to describe how sorry I am for not telling you about Doyle. I felt so ashamed at the person I was, at the person I had to be to fill that role. I thought you would never see me the same, never give me the chance to show you the way I see you. If I could go back I would have sent you away from him, somewhere safe, I would have told you everything and I hope then you would have forgiven me. _

_I hope that one day you understand Jennifer, that I was protecting you, that I tried to protect you. I love you Jennifer, I love you in a way no person has ever loved another. I love you in a way that transcends all boundaries and labels. I love you so much that I am letting you go. God Jennifer this is so hard. I have been holding onto the hope that you would walk back into my life again the way you did that day in the hospital. I know it was you holding my hand, calming me down. But then I realize we can never go back to that again. Stay with Will and be happy Jen, take care of my handsome nephew. I let him a little something to help with college when the time comes._

_Know I will be watching over you both. Smile Jen, given all of your heart, trust and let go. Please Jen, please just know how much I love you. _

_Forever my angel,_

_Emily_

_P.S.- My will is in safety deposit box 4569 at Charlston Bank and Trust in D.C, the key will be mailed to your house. Please make sure my final wishes are followed, please just give me that. I love you Jen. I'm sorry._

_A solitary tear splashed down onto the letter. JJ released the breath she didn't know she had been holding giving way to the floodgates. JJ felt her heart race as the meaning behind the words crept into the corners of her mind. This was Emily's goodbye, she was gone, her best friend had taken her life the same way her sister had. Except she could have saved Emily, she could have helped her if she just forgave her a little faster. Hurt was quickly replaced by anger as questions flooded her mind. How could she leave? How could she give up? How could she be so selfish? JJ didn't realize she had run out of her office, she didn't remember the conversation she had with Garcia on Emily's location, she didn't remember anything._

JJ pulled up to the cabin, twenty minutes after the letter hit the floor. She had broken every traffic law imaginable to make it there. She threw the car in park and ran into the house letting the adrenaline carry her legs, shutting her mind off to the possibilities of what she might find.


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11**

Emily walked down the shore. It was early fall, but the wind blowing across the water made it a little too cold. Emily smiled as her body shivered. She walked closer to the water's edge until the deep green water began to wash against her bare feet. She had walked this path a thousand times as a child. Her happiest memories were staying at this cabin, feeling this sand, playing in this water. She smiled again as she thought back to the summers building sandcastles, making jewelry with shells, and building forts with the driftwood along the shoreline. The time she had been stung by the jellyfish and ran inside to the ambassador, who for the first and only time held the crying child and comforted her like a mother should. She knew this would be the place. This final act of control, choosing the place she would say goodbye to this world forever and accept the fate of what would be next.

As she began the slow walk back to the cabin she began to picture her future, would Matthew be there to welcome her to heaven, would she be doomed to an eternity in hell, after all suicide was a sin. Maybe she wasn't being punished enough, having to leave everything she loved behind, maybe she was supposed to suffer forever.

Before she knew it she was back in the cabin. She felt the hot tears stream down her cheeks as she thought of JJ and the emotions going through her head as she was read the note. She wouldn't make it in time but she couldn't let her feel guilty either. Emily grabbed another paper and jotted down a few words, "Jennifer this was not your fault." She walked into her bedroom letting her clothes fall off her shoulders as she made her way to the bathroom.

She took a deep breath turning the faucet as hot as she could make it. She wanted to feel the pain physically that was emotionally crippling her. She stepped in gasping as the hot water began to burn her delicate skin. She slid down deeper and deeper until her head barely stayed out of the water. She breathed deeply as red blisters began to form over her pale figure. She let her head slip carelessly under the water gazing at the world from a different view. She wondered if the world would be under a veil to her now, walking amongst the living unable to reach, to touch to feel.

She brought her head up as spots began to cloud her vision, coughing violently as water was expelled from her lungs. Her end must be equal to her suffering. She would not fall asleep after taking some pills, slumber deeply in a sea of water, or feel nothing but the cold butt of the barrel against her skull. She needed to hurt, she needed to feel a pain like no other.

JJ ran frantically through the cabin. She had texted Garcia requesting medics just in case the letter was real. She been so grateful that the technical analyst hadn't questioned her that she didn't realize she must have known. JJ was blissfully unaware of Hotch and Morgan's presence racing to the cabin only moments behind her. She spotted Emily's clothes, as her breath began to hitch. She slowly opened the door to the bathroom spilling the light into the room. JJ felt her heart stop at the sight in front of her. She felt her body struggle to breathe as she stood frozen unable to process the image in front of her, unable to act.

Morgan stopped the SUV and bolted into the cabin leaving Hotch to throw it into park as the truck rolled onto the beach. Morgan went straight for the stairs, he had remembered a story Emily told him while driving her, about how her room was the only one on the 2nd floor and had the perfect view of the sunrise.

"EMILY, EMILY?" Morgan yelled to no avail. "JAYJE WHERE ARE YOU? He tried knowing the woman was here by the SUV parked outside.

Morgan turned into a room following the soft glow illuminating the hallway. He felt his heart skip as he caught sight of the communication liaison frozen outside the door, shaking like a leaf, paler than he had ever seen another human being. His heart broke for what must have put her in that position. She faced the worst of the world everyday and he had never seen her more broken. Knowing Hotch was close behind he lead her over to the bed and sat her down before returning to the bathroom and pushing the door open.

Emily started to shiver as the water cooled down. She had been lying there unknowingly for hours. Way longer than she had planned to wait. She didn't realize the team would have read her letters, they would be on their way, with a chance to save her. She let her eyes run down her naked emaciated body. She took notice of how every bone was pushed to the surface, how her skin was saggy, and bluish purple marks tainted her once porcelain skin. All those weeks without food had exposed her true form, ugly, broken, empty.

For a moment, just a moment she considered her dignity, she hoped it wasn't her team to find her this way. Not for the gore that she would most certainly inflict but her naked exposed figure. No one should have to see her tainted form. The guilt began to multiply as images of her Jennifer finding her like this filled her head. She knew this was selfish, she knew they would blame themselves, but she couldn't be the cause of there pain for another second. They didn't want her anymore. The truth is they couldn't forgive her any more than she couldn't forgive herself.

They called themselves her family. Family was a powerful word. To her it meant unconditional love, friendship, support and most importantly forgiveness. She had experienced each of these emotions with her team. The ambassador may have given her life, but the BAU gave her family.

Forgiveness, she turned that word over and over again in her head. She knew she was weak, she knew this was wrong, she knew she was only a shell of her former glory. How could they mourn someone who was never there? How could they mourn her when they never really knew her? Jennifer would be fine, they would all be fine.

As the last of the fear, the guilt, the doubt washed away Emily reached for the item she knew from childhood would inflict the pain she deserved to feel. She reached her hand under the water pressing the blade deep into her porcelain skin. She lost all concept of time, time didn't matter, all that mattered was pain, she needed this to be as painful as possible. She needed her final act to be a punishment for all the pain she caused. She needed it to hurt her as much as she hurt her team. She smiled as her hand carved several long incisions across her legs, not realizing the lines spelt Die. She moved up to her abdomen, starting from the right side and pulling deeply and forcefully across to the left side dipping into her navel as she went. Tracing over the sensitive scar Doyle had left, Doyle the reason she was here, alone, forgotten. Heavy crimson blood mixed with the clear water making it impossible for her to see anymore of her skin. Emily passed out from a mixture of the blood loss and weakened state of her malnourished body. She was pulled from her trance by a large banging from downstairs.

Oh god they were here, her time was up. Panic filled her mind causing her weak heart to race, shooting the little blood she still had from the cuts all over her body. Her head began to sworm as she took the blade and made her final cut across her wrist, closing her eyes and taking her last breaths.


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12**

Morgan had prepared himself to see his partner dead in the bathroom. He had imagined she drowned slipping away peacefully. He imagined innocent, sweet JJ opening the door and seeing Emily's empty lifeless eyes staring back. He had imagined that image is what had put his friend into the state her found her. He felt the anger toward his ex partner build, the adrenaline failed to mask his emotions has he stormed forward, taking purposeful strides toward his target.

As he pushed open the door the site in front of him made him physically sick. The anger quickly dissipated as he immediately reached for the sink rocking back and forth as the contents of his stomach poured out. Morgan tentatively looked up, taking in a scene that would burn into his subconscious forever, nothing could erase this image from his head.

Emily was submerged in a pool of dark blood; her usually pale skin appeared almost ghostly, her fearless eyes were empty and drawn, deep circles and dark spots tainted her face, her left wrist hung over the side dripping steadily the little blood still contained in her lifeless body. All of his training had washed away in that instant. Morgan could hear a familiar deep voice in the bedroom behind him. Hotch was there talking to JJ and someone else. Morgan let a breath he didn't realize he was holding go as he was reminded JJ was safe and he was not alone. He heard the woman say shock, life threatening, 32 year old female, hospital stat. He felt a hand grab his shoulder and pulling him away from his partner. He failed her, if only he wasn't so angry, if only he forgave her after Doyle. Morgan reached up wiping away the wetness covering his cheeks. Solemnly, he allowed Hotch to take him away, until the weakest sounds reached his ears.

The sound came from behind him, a faint grunt, maybe a moan he froze instantly everything immediately disappearing as he turned out of the grasp of the medic and to his partner. He found his finger subconsciously make it to her throat. He physically jumps at the slight vibration kneading against his fingers.

"She's got a pulse, HELP, HELP!" Morgan screamed.

The paramedics quickly flooded the small room, allowing for their own assessment. Morgan could hear them call into the radio for a deliberator and bandages stat. He watched as the young paramedic, eyes wide with fear, struggled to pull his partners lifeless body from its murky grave. He pushed him out of the way and easily lifted his partner's body from the blood filled tub. He looked down at her naked form coated by a layer of her own blood. He pushed through the crowd that formed to save her determined to preserve her dignity.

After wrapping her the clean white sheets he allowed the medics to come and save her life for the second time. Except now it was not a crazed killer who had put her on the stretcher with a bag breathing air into her lungs, electrical current attempting to revive her broken heart, it was him. It was all who she called family It was all who turned their backs, who made her feel this was her only way out.

Morgan fought to ride with her, to hold her hand one last time. The medics pushed him away saying they needed to all be there to save her life. He felt his boss's arms pulling him back, as the final sound he heard his own voice yelling, Please come back.

Hours later the team assumed a position they had found themselves to many times before. Huddled around a small waiting room, holding each other, fighting back tears, wondering what he brought them here.

Reid spoke first through questioning eyes, he wanted to know why she had to die. Why did she do this? What were the odds? She had lived through Doyle's attack and now she had to run. She distanced herself, from all who she loved. She cut herself deep, drowning in a pool of her own blood. He couldn't understand why it had to be, why was it always Emily.

Rossi being the oldest, the most seasoned of the team took a deep breath before reflecting on everything, Emily had told him in confidence, but knowing this was goodbye, it only made sense.

"When Emily was undercover with Doyle she made the ultimate sacrifice for her country. She gave him being Emily Prentiss and assumed a new identity, the identity needed to beat a dangerous international arms dealer. She was not your friend back then, she was not the funny, dirty mouthed, strong willed, partner you called your family. We all lost sight of that. We all treated her like she what she had done was so horrible she could never be forgiven. But we weren't there, none of us were there. You have to do what you have to do when it comes your own survival." Rossi said.

The team looked like they had been sucker punched, taken back as those words seeped in. The guilt became to rain steady, knowing they alone had caused the path which sent Emily to that cabin, that helped push her to that decision. They were the reason she was dead, or dying behind those walls.

"Does anyone know what she did? Reid questioned. We know that she got close to Doyle, enough for him to take JJ, enough for Emily to feel like she had to die to get JJ back. I mean were we really mad at Emily for lying and running, for having sex for a profile, or were we mad because she put us all in danger, she lied to us and almost got JJ killed."

"Enough! Agent Prentiss made a lot of questionable decisions. She lost the trust of this team and for that she was forced to leave the BAU. But none of us are here for former Agent Prentiss, we are here our friend Emily, who felt so alone in this world she felt the need to take her own life. We should all be praying that we found her in time and we have a chance ask her forgiveness." Hotch said.

JJ pulled at the IV in her arm. She felt fine she had to get out of there, she had to see her Emily.

"Gumdrop you have to try and relax. The rest of the team will tell us when they find out about our raven haired friend. You could have died." Garcia pleaded sobbing freely.

JJ laid back, she couldn't hurt another friend. It was bad enough she had turned away from Emily. It was bad enough she let the fear of acknowledging her emotions get the best of her. She couldn't do the same to Garcia.

"I'm sorry Pen. I just want to be with the rest of the team. We should be together right now." JJ said.

"You're right my little sugar plum fairy, stay put I'll be back." Garcia replied walking briskly out of the room.

Garcia entered into the waiting room at the tail end of a story Rossi had been telling the group

Emily, miscarriage, Doyle's

She felt herself shake hearing those words, a fresh set of tears pouring out of her eyes. Her raven wonder women must have felt so horrible. She must have blamed herself for losing the baby. She didn't tell them because it hurt so bad, she thought. How could she have turned away? Of course Emily had a reason. She would have never hurt them on purpose.

Garcia felt strong arms engulf her, wiping at her tears.

"Its okay baby girl, he soothed."

"My chocolate goddess, Garcia choked out, my little blonde bumblebee doesn't want to be alone? We should be together."

"I agree, Hotch said, we can wait this out in JJ's room. Come on."

The team wondered into JJ's room sitting around the bed. The young blonde looked so scared and alone. Reid climbed next to here, allowing himself to cuddle against her side.

Hotch looked at his team, his family, wondering what went so wrong. He thought back to the day her badge and gun were left behind. The day he had lost her forever and didn't even put up a fight.

After what seemed like days, a tall man with a white coat knocked from the doorway. They all looked up, pain glistening in their eyes. A pin drop could be heard, as each of them held their breath waiting for the verdict.

The doctor slowly spoke to the group of armed agents, afraid of the impact losing one of their own, to this would have.

"Ms. Prentiss is in a coma. She lost 80% of her blood, however we were able to get her on bypass before her heart completely shut down. Right now machines are keeping her alive. We are waiting for information on her medical proxy to determine whether she should be kept alive or let go." The doctor said.

"I'm, I, I, um…I'm her power of attorney, a small voice came from the bed, Is there a chance, I mean will she, could she ever be okay?" JJ asked.

"I can't answer that question. Ms. Prentiss has brain activity at the moment but I can't be sure how much damage was done and if she is capable of waking up." The doctor answered. "You can see her one by one, if you would like."

Hotch nodded. He saw the stunned looks on his teams faces, but nothing hurt him worse than the look on his young blonde agents face. The anguish she was expressing was truly unbearable. He felt water pool behind his own eyes as he quickly excused himself to see his former agent.

"JJ, Emily has a 15% chance of recovering from the injuries the doctor described. But she's strong and she always wins, we have to let her fight." Reid said.

JJ just nodded her head, frozen in disbelief. Morgan held Garcia tightly as sobs wracked her body. Rossi turned toward the window praying aloud to a god he was sure would respond.

None of them could lose her, not before she knew how sorry they were, not until she knew they were wrong, she was wrong. She was loved, and she was forgiven.


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13**

Hotch pushed the door open, feeling the floodgates to his eyes open at the sight of his once strong agent, pale and small. Her skin was paler than the white sheets in which she was covered. He watched the machines rise and fall, he heard the faint beeping of the mechanical heart keeping her alive. He took in the bandages tight against her wrist, gripping her hand carefully not disturbing any of it.

_Prentiss why do you go to the extremes? Why do you feel so alone? Did I make you feel alone? You were one of the best agents I ever had. Hotch took a deep breath. She can't hear me he reminded himself. Look Prentiss, I hope you will fight to live. I can't promise you another chance at the BAU, but I can promise friendship. You are to talented to give up. Hotch didn't have many words for the woman lying in front of him. He admired her but kept this distance. He was her boss, but he wanted to be her friend._

Garcia was next to go to Emily. She wasn't sure whether she was going to support her friend or say goodbye. She tried to prepare herself, remembering the time before when she was hurt by Doyle. This was the same right. But as she opened up the door and saw her friend so weak, so small in that bed she felt herself fall. Grasping onto Emily's hand with everything she had. Loud sobs echoing against the walls.

_My raven haired wonder woman how could you? I know things seemed bad. I know I should have called. I know I should have brought over movies and goodies and had a certified girls night. But god Emily, what were you thinking. You could have called. How could you have thought that this was your only way out? How could you let our blonde buttercup find you that way? She loves you, this is going to kill her. My spark fly you better fight and your better wake up. You can't leave her behind, she can't live without you, none of us can. So enjoy this little nap and wake up. If you don't I'll kill you myself._

Morgan knocked on the door. He saw his blonde technical analyst sobbing at the side of the bed, clinging desperately to his former partner's hand, like she was her lifeline. He felt his heart break as he heard the sobs coming from the younger woman. He walked over and put a comforting hand on her shoulder, easing her out of the room before taking the seat himself.

_What the hell Princess! I'm not going to sit here and sugar coat everything for you. I'm not going to beg you to make some miraculous recovery. I'm pissed. Seriously who do you think you are? You make us all love you, then you go rogue hunting for a dangerous criminal alone, putting our lives in danger without even a heads up, you put us through hell sitting by your bedside hoping you will wake up. You pull though and then you quit, you run away from your family again. How many times did you expect us to run after you? Princess seriously I can't forgive you for this. You should have seen the look on our little JJ's face when she saw what you did. How could you do that to her? I don't care if you wake up or not, were done. I can't keep crying over you. Goodbye._

Rossi watched Morgan storm out of the room. He wore a mask of anger but he knew deep down the pain of finding his partner in that condition, for not helping her was killing him. He found himself wondering into the room of the woman he say as a daughter. She looked so much like a child, bound by machines, covered by sheets and bandages. She looked so alone.

_Bella, oh my sweet, sweet bella. I wish I would have seen your pain. I wish you would have reached out. No anger is too great to turn your back on those you love. I would have held you while you cried, I would have patched you up, I would have saved you so we wouldn't be here saying goodbye. Please fight bella. You have so much life to live. You may not see a future but I do. I know that you can make it through. Bella, Jennifer is broken over you. I've never seen her so sad. Please come back, your love is the kind that lasts. You are the rainbow after rainy days, the sunshine through the storm. Fight for us, fight because you are irreplaceable, fight because no one can light up a room the way you do, fight because no one could survive without you. You make us all better. Love you always my bella. _

Rossi walks back into JJ's room, looking at the youngest agent still curled next to the blonde on the bed. Reid its time, are you ready? Reid shook his head.

"Rossi, I've already said goodbye to Prentiss too many times. She keeps almost dying. If she dies this time it will be because she wanted it. Sitting there telling her I care won't bring that back. I can't do it." Reid responded hiding his tear streaked face in JJ's side.

"Its okay kid, no one is judging you." Rossi replied. "JJ the nurse said we can take you to Emily in a wheel chair if you want to go."

"Um yea, I need to see her." JJ replied, although the voice was not that of a tough agent but that of a scared child.

A nurse came a few moments later as the room remained quiet. No one knew what to say. One of there own was lying in a room down the hall hooked up to machines, dead, she would be dead if the machines weren't keeping her body alive. How did they get here, to the point where their once fearless, strong, comical friend decided the only way out was taking her own life. It was just too much to fathom.

JJ sat quietly in the chair as the nurse pushed her down the hall. She heard the nurse explain the condition she would find Emily in, attempting to lessen the blow. She saw Emily lying naked in a pool full of blood, pale cheeks, blue lips, the life sucked away. She didn't notice the water splashing off her cheeks until the chair stopped and a worried nurse put a comforting hand on hers. She wasn't okay, how could it be okay to see your best friend, the woman you loved, the woman who months before gladly sacrificed herself for you, gladly went through hell to spare you any pain lying in a bed dead. She wasn't dead, not yet. It hurt JJ immensely knowing that Emily felt so alone. If she had just picked up the phone, if she just told her it was okay. But she didn't. After that scene with Doyle, JJ pulled back. She was so mad that this woman almost took her from her child. She didn't want her to suffer, but Henry needed his momma. She felt the nurse walk away, leaving her alone with her thoughts, with Emily.

_Em, JJ began holding her hand, I'm so sorry. I was so worried about Henry, about how Doyle could have killed him, how if I died he'd be alone. I was selfish Em. You did what you thought was best. You were protecting me. But god Em, the things Doyle said they hurt me. You have no idea. Since the first day you came into the BAU you have filled me with butterflies. I can't believe the best profilers in the world missed the signs. The way my cheeks turned rosy with your passing touch, the way my eyes deepened at the sight of you wearing those pants, you know the ones. I've never felt something like that before Em, for another woman. Then when Will pushed himself on me I went along with it, to prove to myself I wasn't gay. But it hurt me, and I could see it hurt you too. I was going to tell you, but then I got pregnant. I didn't think I had any choice Em. I couldn't make you a mom just because I let myself get knocked up. It was so much. The things you told Doyle, the things you did, it broke me. I know I had no right, especially after Will but I felt betrayed. I felt like you were not the one I fell in love with. I was so confused and I pushed you away. Em you have no idea how many times I thought about calling. I can't believe you did this. I can't believe you would just leave me this way. I know I didn't tell you Em but my big sister did this. Jacqueline hung herself when I was 9. She didn't let me help her either. Em your not gone yet, and I'm not going to shut you down. I'm going to let you fight, I'm going to give you a second chance. I want a future with you Em. I want to be a family. I want you to be Henry's mom. I want you Em, I need you please. _

JJ leaned down and kissed Emily's hand. "I love you Em, please come back to me."

JJ felt a gentle squeeze against her fingers. She looked up as hope filled her heart, and found herself gazing into dark, lustful eyes.

Emily pulled her hand out of JJ's grasp and began moving her fingers in a pattern JJ recognized.

I love you Jennifer, my angel. I will never leave you again.

Tears pour out of both women's eyes as they realize they had been given a second chance and this time they would not let it go.

THE END

**Authors Note: Thanks for sticking with this story. I hope you enjoyed it. Please send a quick note if you can to let me know what you liked or didn't like about the story. As I said earlier I will repost chapters 5 through 13 as they are edited. Thanks again.**


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